I look to you with grace, in your face.
When I need you the most
I look around with my eyes open
For you can be anything and everything
But a feeling of you is to be felt
You are here, there and every where
I need to trust my heart
For your presence is strong deep within me
So even if the unthinkable happens
Or a wind current tare me into parts
I believe that everything passes by me
Keeping me stronger and stronger
But a feeling of you is to be felt.
Leaders can sometimes communicate more without words than with them.
What matters is poise and conviction.
That came to mind as I watched Kevin Bacon's performance in /Taking
Chance/, an HBO movie based upon Lt. Col. Mike Strobl's moving account
of escorting a slain Marine, Lance Corporal Chase Phelps, to his final
resting place in Wyoming. While Bacon has the lead role, it seems he has
no more than 10 pages of dialogue to deliver and most of that in one to
two sentences at a time. Without the benefit of words we see the
compassion he bears for the young Marine, the conflict he undergoes
because he is not in combat himself, and the strong bond for service he
carries.
What Bacon's performance reminds us is that a leader need not always use
words to convey meaning; non-verbal cues often say more than words can
ever do. Unfortunately, too often non-verbal cues are displayed to the
wrong effect, that is, to display distraction, disregard or even
distaste. Those in charge, especially those in very senior positions,
must be careful not only with their words but with their body language.
Here are some suggestions.
*
*Relax your facial muscles. **I once worked with a talented engineer who
had a real affinity for teaching others; it was something he enjoyed
doing. But since he was new to his firm, people didn't know him and when
they saw him they would see him in his office with his face scrunched up
and seeming very intense. His body language said, "Stay away!" In
reality he was deep in concentration but with people he could be
engaging. He worked on reminding himself to relax his facial muscles.
When he did so, he seemed more approachable, and as such was able to
connect better with his new colleagues. (Yes, you can practice relaxing
your facial muscles by looking in a mirror. This is not vanity.)
*Invite inspection.* Ask a trusted colleague to watch your facial
expressions and your posture during a meeting, particularly a meeting
where there will be intense discussions. If you look bored or irritated,
or if you are slumped in your seat looking out the window, you are
sending a message that you would rather be elsewhere. If your face bears
a severe expression, you may be radiating irritation. Be conscious that
people are not only listening to what you say, but how you carry
yourself when you say it.
*Keep your powder dry.* In some cultures, notably Native American and
Scandinavian, the person at the top says very little, often speaking
last on important issues. Business leaders can also encourage
subordinates to speak first and freely; only interject when you have
something of real substance to add. When the fur is flying, what gets
people's attention is quiet confidence. Don't raise your voice. Instead,
once you have people's attention, speak calmly and with conviction.
Nothing radiates power like controlled emotions when everyone else is
shouting at each other.
Leaders need not walk around with facial expressions that appear
"botoxed." If real issues are at stake, it is wholly appropriate to show
some emotion, and not simply with words. A leader is entitled to
communicate with authority and vigor, and make it known the urgency of a
moment. For example, if a team does not seem to be responding to
deadlines, and they have the tools and resources necessary, a pep talk
with heat is wholly in order. Such emotion expended for a good cause is
a great way to focus attention on important matters at hand.
Of course, you must do it with discretion. I remember a conversation I
had with the legendary University of Michigan hockey coach, Red
Berenson. He said that if he raised his voice with a freshman, he might
cost the kid his confidence. On the other hand, if he didn't raise Cain
occasionally with a senior, that player might lose his concentration.
It's a matter of picking your spots and acting appropriately.
One of the most poignant scenes in /Taking Chase/ is when Bacon's
character eyes the body of the fallen marine in his casket. No one else
will see the body, but Bacon feels it is his duty to ensure this young
Marine is dressed appropriately for burial. No words are spoken. Bacon's
countenance tells us all we need to know.
About the Author: /John Baldoni is a leadership consultant, coach, and
speaker. He is the author of eight books, including /Lead Your Boss, The
Subtle Art of Managing Up. /See his archived blog for hbr.org here
<http://blogs.hbr.org/baldoni/>./
Nate Eisman* recently started working for a large consulting firm after many years as an independent consultant. He called me a few days ago for some advice.
"I'm wasting a tremendous amount of time," he complained to me, "I'm in meetings all day. The only way I can get any real work done is by coming in super early and staying super late."
Nate had gone from an organization of one to an organization of several thousand and was drowning in the time suck of collaboration. He is not alone.
I recently surveyed the top 400 leaders of a 120,000 person company and found that close to 95% of them — that's 380 out of 400 — pointed to three things that wasted their time the most: unnecessary meetings, unimportant emails, and protracted PowerPoints.
Working with people takes time. And different people have different priorities. So someone may need your perspective on an issue that's important to him but not to you. Still, if he's a colleague, it's important to help. And often we want to help.
On the other hand, we've all felt Nate's pain. The question is: how can we spend time where we add the most value and let go of the rest?
We need a way to quickly and confidently identify and reduce our extraneous commitments, to know for sure whether we need to deal with something or avoid it, and to manage our own desire to be available always. I propose a little test that every commitment should pass before you agree to it. When someone comes to you with a request, ask yourself three questions:
- Am I the right person?
- Is this the right time?
- Do I have enough information?
If the request fails the test — if the answer to any one of these questions is "no" — then don't do it. Pass it to someone else (the right person), schedule it for another time (the right time), or wait until you have the information you need (either you or someone else needs to get it).
In the last few weeks, in
The Cardinal Rule of Rules and in The Mostly Unplugged Vacation I wrote about how to avoid being interrupted. But sometimes it's impossible or inappropriate to wall yourself off completely. For example, what if your boss is the person who interrupts you? Or what if you're on vacation and a critical client reaches out with a time sensitive and crucial question?
These three questions offer a clear, easy, and consistent way of knowing when to respond. So we resist the temptation to respond to everything.
If your boss asks you to do something and her request fails the test, it's not just okay - it's useful - to push back or redirect so the work is completed productively. It's not helpful to you, your boss, or your organization if you waste your time on the wrong work.
That's the irony. We try to be so available because we want to be helpful. And yet being overwhelmed with tasks — especially those we consider to be a waste of our time — is exactly what will make us unhelpful.
When we get a meeting request that doesn't pass the test, we should decline. When we're cc'd on an email that doesn't pass the test, we need to ask the sender to remove us from the list before we get caught up in the flurry of "reply all" responses. And a fifty-page presentation needs to pass the test before we read it (and even then, it's worth an email asking which are the critical pages to review).
A few weeks after sharing the three questions with Nate, I called him at his office at around 6pm to see how it was going. I guess it was going well because I never reached him. He had already gone home.
*Some details changed to protect privacy
About the Author of this Article: Peter Bregman speaks, writes, and consults on leadership. He is the CEO of Bregman Partners, Inc., a global management consulting firm, and the author of
Point B: A Short Guide To Leading a Big Change.
I was in my home office, on the phone with a new client, when I heard a knock on the door. I looked at my watch: it was 4pm, the time my daughters Isabelle and Sophia come home from school. Generally I love taking a break at this time and hearing about their day.
But, I have a rule: if the door to my office is closed, they have to knock once. If I answer, they can come in. If I'm silent, it means I don't want to be disturbed and they have to wait until I come out.
Well, this time, not wanting my call to be unprofessionally interrupted, I remained silent. But they kept knocking and, eventually, just walked in. I was stunned! What about my rule? I signaled for them to be silent but let them stay in the room until the call was over.
After my phone call, I asked them why they had disobeyed my rule.
"But Daddy," Isabelle said, "you like when we just come in. We did it yesterday and the day before and you didn't say no."
I had broken the cardinal rule of rules: never break a rule.
I should know better. Just a few days earlier, after a speech I had given about time management to the top leaders of a large pharmaceutical company, one leader (we'll call him Sean) approached me with a question. How could he stop his secretary from interrupting him?
"I'll have the door shut and Brahms playing on the stereo — I mean, how much more obvious can I be? — and she'll walk in and ask me a question. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's a distraction and it throws me off. I tell her not to, but she does it anyway"
Sean is already ahead of the game. He realizes something most of us miss: it's hard to recover from an interruption. In a study conducted by Microsoft Corporation, researchers taped 29 hours of people working and found that, on average, they were interrupted four times per hour. That's not surprising.
But there's more and this part is surprising: 40% of the time they did not resume the task they were working on before they were disrupted. And it gets worse: the more complex the task, the less likely the person was to return to it.
That means we are most often derailed from completing our most important work.
"So," I asked Sean, "what do you say when she interrupts you?"
"I remind her that I told her I didn't want to be disturbed."
"Great. Then?"
"Then she tells me it will just take a second and asks me a question or talks to me about an issue."
"And?"
"Well, I already stopped doing what I was doing before and I don't want to seem mean or rude, so I give her what she needs and then ask her not to disturb me again."
That's Sean's mistake. And mine. And perhaps, if you find that people don't always do what you ask, yours too. We like being liked. We're too nice. We don't want to appear rude.
Unfortunately, it's a bad strategy. Because setting a rule and then letting people break it doesn't make them like you, it just makes them ignore you.
If Sean wants his secretary to listen to him, he needs to be consistent; no exceptions. On the other hand, he also needs to understand why she's constantly disturbing him. Sean travels and is often out of his office so his secretary is never sure when she will have the opportunity to connect with him. But when he's in the office, she knows she can reach him. She's not being obnoxious. On the contrary, she's being diligent.
To solve his problem and stop the interruptions, Sean needs to do two things:
- Set a regular appointment — that he does not cancel — to meet with his secretary to address any questions or open issues.
- When she does interrupt him (and she will) he needs to look at her without smiling and tell her that whatever it is, it needs to wait until their appointed time.
"And if it's a short question? Like: what time is your lunch appointment today?" Sean challenged me.
"I know it's hard. Silly even. But do not answer her. Just tell her you cannot be disturbed and let the silence sit there. If you want her to respect the rule she needs to see that you won't break it. Even if, maybe, in that situation, it makes sense to break it. It's a slippery slope."
As Sean listened to me he shuddered slightly at the thought. "That will be very uncomfortable," he finally said.
"That's the point," I told him, "You want it to feel uncomfortable. You want her to feel uncomfortable. That's what will prevent her from interrupting you again."
Later, if he wants, he can explain that his work requires total concentration and even a small interruption will cause him to lose his train of thought. But not at the time. Because an explanation at the time will reduce the discomfort.
Think of it this way: ultimately, people feel safer knowing what the boundaries are. It may seem harsh at the time, but in the long run it reduces their stress and uncertainty. People prefer to know where they stand.
"You're right," I told Isabelle after she called me on my inconsistency, "It's hard not to break my own rule because I love seeing you guys so much. But the rule really is important and I can't break it again."
The next day I was working on the computer when, as expected, Isabelle and Sophia knocked and then walked in without waiting for my response.
I turned to look at them. "Out," I said.
"But Daddy . . ."
"Out." I repeated.
"But, we just . . ."
"Out." I said once more, feeling like a jerk. I wanted to see them. I even worried for a second that they really needed me. What if one of them was hurt? What if there was a fire in the kitchen? But I didn't look up. My wife was home. If there was a fire, she would put it out.
A few days later they tried again but I didn't waiver. And they haven't broken the rule since.
About the Author of this Article: Peter Bregman speaks, writes, and consults on leadership. He is the CEO of Bregman Partners, Inc., a global management consulting firm, and the author of
Point B: A Short Guide To Leading a Big Change.
